Joke of the day

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Joke of the day

Post  zhenya88 on Mon Oct 07, 2013 6:16 am

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

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Joke of the day

Post  zhenya88 on Sun Oct 27, 2013 3:41 am

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"


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Re: Joke of the day

Post  Asio1 on Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:03 pm

Thanks Zhenya, the old ones are still the best!

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Joke of the day

Post  Teragram on Mon Oct 28, 2013 12:21 am

I also liked that joke. Thank you for posting it. Even us in TOR like hearing from those in the University. The forum is a good way to do this. Not every post that is looked at is responded to. So it is hard to tell who read and who didn't. I often read old posts and find interesting history. There is a lot to read here.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post  Seahawk on Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:37 pm

I wanted to submit a joke but I'm just too upset. You see, my wife was abducted by MIMES...they did UNSPEAKABLE things to her.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post  Seahawk on Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:39 pm

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die', she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?

For a moment there is silence... Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time...

No one moves ... He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest

she gasps... And he says...

"Here**!**Iron this, and get me something to eat."
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Re: Joke of the day

Post  Seahawk on Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:42 pm

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
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Re: Joke of the day

Post  Seahawk on Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:47 pm

With St. Valentine's Day coming up a guy was feeling lonely. So he decided to try the on-line dating so he posted a short message on an electronic bulletin board saying "Wife Wanted," (and his return e-mail address).
He checked his e-mail the next day and there were over 100 replies, all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Re: Joke of the day

Post  Seahawk on Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:53 pm

Bob and Lena are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. Bob picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?", asks Lena.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans", Bob replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands Lena, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along Lena picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?", asks Bob.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love", replies Lena. Bob retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price."
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Re: Joke of the day

Post  Seahawk on Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:57 pm

Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.
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Re: Joke of the day

Post  Seahawk on Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:59 pm

Subject: Confession:

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to
confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when
you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting
any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with
the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with
my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom,
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed
her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
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Some Punography

Post  Seahawk on Mon Mar 31, 2014 1:46 pm

·  I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· They recorded that I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the base ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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Donations

Post  Seahawk on Tue Aug 12, 2014 1:31 pm

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the outer loop of I-495 outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
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Hearing aide

Post  Seahawk on Sun Aug 17, 2014 2:46 pm

A man was telling his wife that He saved a lot of money on buying his new hearing aide from this discount sales outlet store over the internet. His wife asked "What type is it?" He replied, "Half past noon."
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Bank Robbery

Post  Seahawk on Wed Sep 03, 2014 12:29 pm

A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Minnesota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment of hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him as well.
By now, everyone in the bank is scared senseless and silently looking down at the floor.
Then the robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
After moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak, one old man’s hand slowly raised, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."
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